小さき者へ Sasakimono e, part 3: Your Mother Falls Ill

然しかし運命うんめいが私わたくしの我儘わがままと無理解むりかいとを罰ばっする時ときが来きた。But the time came when fate punished my selfishness and my lack of understanding.

どうしてもお前まえ達たちを子守こもりに任まかせておけないで、毎晩まいばんお前まえたち三さん人にんを自分じぶんの枕許まくらもとや、左右さゆうに臥ふせらして、夜通よどおし一人ひとりを寝ねかしつけたり、一人ひとりに牛乳ぎゅうにゅうを温あたためてあてがったり、一人ひとりに小用こようをさせたりして、碌々ろくろく熟睡じゅくすいする暇ひまもなく愛あいの限かぎりを尽つくしたお前まえたちの母はは上うえが、四十一よんじゅういち度どという恐おそろしい熱ねつを出だしてどっと床とこについた時ときの驚おどろきもさる事ことではあるが、診察しんさつに来きてくれた二人ふたりの医師いしが口くちを揃そろえて、結核けっかくの徴候ちょうこうがあるといった時ときには、私わたくしは唯ただ訳わけもなく青あおくなってしまった。Your mother could never bring herself to leave you in a nursemaid's care. Every night she laid the three of you down by her pillow and at her left and right, and all night long she would put one of you to sleep, warm milk and give it to another, take another to relieve itself, so that she barely had time for a proper sleep and gave you every bit of love she had. When she came down with a terrible fever of forty-one degrees and collapsed into bed, the shock was great enough, but when the two doctors who came to examine her said with one voice that there were signs of tuberculosis, I simply turned pale, beyond all reason.

検痰けんたんの結果けっかは医師いしたちの鑑定かんていを裏書うらがきしてしまった。The results of the sputum test confirmed the doctors' judgement.

そして四よっつと三みっつと二ふたつとになるお前まえたちを残のこして、十じゅう月がつ末まつの淋さびしい秋あきの日ひに、母上ははうえは入院にゅういんせねばならぬ体からだとなってしまった。And so, on a lonely autumn day at the end of October, your mother found herself in a state where she had to enter hospital, leaving behind the three of you, aged four, three and two.

私わたくしは日中にっちゅうの仕事しごとを終おわると飛とんで家いえに帰かえった。When I finished my day's work, I rushed home.

そしてお前まえ達たちの一人ひとりか二人ふたりを連つれて病院びょういんに急いそいだ。Then I took one or two of you and hurried to the hospital.

私わたくしがその町まちに住すまい始はじめた頃ころ働はたらいていた克明こくめいな門徒もんとの婆ばあさんが病室びょうしつの世話せわをしていた。A painstaking old woman, a devout follower of the Pure Land faith who had worked for us when I first came to live in that town, was looking after the sickroom.

その婆ばあさんはお前まえたちの姿すがたを見みると隠かくし隠かくし涙なみだを拭ふいた。Whenever that old woman saw you, she would wipe away her tears, trying again and again to hide them.

お前まえたちは母上ははうえを寝台しんだいの上うえに見みつけると飛とんでいってかじり付つこうとした。When you caught sight of your mother on the bed, you would rush over and try to cling to her.

結核症けっかくしょうであるのをまだあかされていないお前まえたちの母上ははうえは、宝たからを抱だきかかえるようにお前まえたちをその胸むねに集あつめようとした。Your mother, who had not yet been told that she had tuberculosis, tried to gather you to her breast as if she were embracing a treasure.

私わたくしはいい加減かげんにあしらってお前まえたちを寝台しんだいに近ちかづけないようにしなければならなかった。I had to put you off with some excuse or other and keep you from going near the bed.

忠義ちゅうぎをしようとしながら、周囲しゅういの人ひとから極端きょくたんな誤解ごかいを受うけて、それを弁解べんかいしてならない事情じじょうに置おかれた人ひとの味あじわいそうな心持こころもちを幾度いくども味あじわった。Again and again I tasted the feelings that a man would likely taste when, while trying to do his duty faithfully, he is grossly misunderstood by those around him and placed in circumstances where he may not explain himself.

それでも私わたくしはもう怒おこる勇気ゆうきはなかった。Even so, I no longer had the courage to be angry.

引ひきはなすようにしてお前まえたちを母上ははうえから遠とおざけて帰路きろにつく時ときには、大抵たいてい街燈がいとうの光ひかりが淡あわく道路どうろを照てしていた。Whenever I set off for home, all but tearing you away from your mother, the streetlamps were usually casting their faint light on the road.

玄関げんかんを這入はいると雇人やといにんだけが留守るすしていた。When I came in through the front door, only the servants were there minding the house.

彼かれ等らは二三にさん人にんもいる癖くせに、残のこしておいた赤坊あかんぼうのおしめを代かえようともしなかった。Though there were two or three of them, they had not even tried to change the nappy of the baby we had left behind.

気持きもち悪わるげに泣なき叫さけぶ赤坊あかんぼうの股またの下したはよくぐしょ濡ぬれになっていた。The baby would be screaming in discomfort, and the place between its legs was often soaking wet.

お前まえたちは不思議ふしぎに他人たにんになつかない子供こどもたちだった。You were children who, strangely, would not take to other people.

ようようお前まえたちを寝ねかしつけてから私わたくしはそっと書斎しょさいに這入はいって調しらべ物ものをした。When at last I had got you to sleep, I would slip quietly into my study and do my reading.

体からだは疲つかれて頭あたまは興奮こうふんしていた。My body was tired, and my head was overexcited.

仕事しごとをすまして寝付ねつこうとする十一じゅういち時じ前後ぜんごになると、神経しんけいの過敏かびんになったお前まえたちは、夢ゆめなどを見みておびえながら眼めをさますのだった。Around eleven o'clock, when I had finished my work and was trying to fall asleep, you, whose nerves had grown oversensitive, would wake up frightened by dreams and the like.

暁方あかつきがたになるとお前まえたちの一人ひとりは乳ちちを求もとめて泣なき出だした。Towards daybreak one of you would start crying for milk.

それにおこされると私わたくしの眼めはもう朝あさまで閉とじなかった。Once woken by that, my eyes would not close again until morning.

朝飯あさめしを食くうと私わたくしは赤あかい眼めをしながら、堅かたい心しんのようなものの出来できた頭あたまを抱かかえて仕事しごとをする所ところに出懸でかけた。After eating breakfast, with red eyes, I would set off for my place of work, holding a head in which something like a hard core had formed.

北国きたぐにには冬ふゆが見みる見みる逼せまって来きた。In the northern land, winter was closing in before our very eyes.

ある時とき病院びょういんを訪おとずれると、お前まえたちの母上ははうえは寝台しんだいの上うえに起おきかえって窓まどの外そとを眺ながめていたが、私わたくしの顔かおを見みると、早はやく退院たいいんがしたいといい出だした。One day when I visited the hospital, your mother was sitting up in bed gazing out of the window, but when she saw my face she began to say that she wanted to leave the hospital soon.

窓まどの外そとの楓かえでがあんなになったのを見みると心細こころぼそいというのだ。She said that seeing what had become of the maple outside the window made her feel forlorn.

なるほど入院にゅういんしたてには燃もえるように枝えだを飾かざっていたその葉はが一いち枚まいも残のこらず散ちりつくして、花壇かだんの菊きくも霜しもに傷いためられて、萎しおれる時ときでもないのに萎しおれていた。Indeed, the leaves that had adorned its branches like flames when she first entered hospital had all fallen, not a single one left, and the chrysanthemums in the flowerbed, too, had been damaged by the frost and had withered, though it was not yet their time to wither.

私わたくしはこの寂さびしさを毎日まいにち見みせておくだけでもいけないと思おもった。I thought that it was not good for her even to be shown this desolation every day.

然しかし母上ははうえの本当ほんとうの心持こころもちはそんな所ところにはなくって、お前まえたちから一刻いっこくも離はなれてはいられなくなっていたのだ。But your mother's true feelings did not lie there; she had become unable to bear being apart from you for even a moment.

今日きょうはいよいよ退院たいいんするという日ひは、霰あられの降ふる、寒さむい風かぜのびゅうびゅうと吹ふく悪わるい日ひだったから、私わたくしは思おもい止とまらせようとして、仕事しごとをすますとすぐ病院びょういんに行いってみた。The day on which she was at last to leave the hospital was a wretched day, with hail falling and a cold wind howling, so I meant to talk her out of it, and as soon as I had finished my work I went to the hospital to see.

然しかし病室びょうしつはからっぽで、例れいの婆ばあさんが、貰もらったものやら、座蒲団ざぶとんやら、茶器ちゃきやらを部屋へやの隅すみでごそごそと始末しまつしていた。But the sickroom was empty, and the old woman I mentioned was rustling about in a corner of the room, putting away the gifts, the floor cushions, the tea things and so on.

急いそいで家いえに帰かえってみると、お前まえたちはもう母上ははうえのまわりに集あつまって嬉うれしそうに騷さわいでいた。When I hurried home, you were already gathered around your mother, making a happy commotion.

私わたくしはそれを見みると涙なみだがこぼれた。When I saw it, my tears spilled over.